The Trial...

'I have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth'.

Some more meaning, now I find myself, out of touch, out of mind, in like, serious like, light another cigarette, inhale the pain away.

All I write is stream of consciousness, running down the river, waiting for her to return, her own private hell, a requiem for a dream existence, no reason to be sad eyes burning in the sun (I feel like and screaming should be next).

Where is she? I killed an insect, scratching on my screen, unable to write, my fingers turned to toes once.

I can't stand without her there, she's my new crutch, sit back down, retard girl. A reputation unwanted, deserved, where did she sleep last night?

She's pretty on the inside. If she didn't make me want to die, would I want her? Would I want to chew for her, cradling as she rocks? Busting down walls?

My life of silent screams makes more sense when she's bringing darkness towards me. I'd want to be there, if only there was nobody else. If I was only given the chance, I'd lie with her forever, alone, going nowhere, even taking two steps back, but it'll never happen like this.

I'd count backwards from infinity, if only I could reach her. She makes me feel like I'm young again. When I didn't feel a hundred years old. When I didn't need to be Dorian Gray. But I want to take a knife to my chest whenever she leaves.

It's been two days. Again. Time flies by.

Absence makes the heart resentful,
Free the grudges rest.
Absence makes the heart grow faster,
I never requested a test.

Internal rhyming, assonation, unrecognizably word.

If there's nothing I can do for you (I'll chew for you), let me down before I die.

I will die for you if you ask me, babe. A new band, an old flame, burning out, full of references and dirty slate.

There's nothing I can do that's good enough for you.

The trial continues.

And screaming.

Yours, on fire.

Sometimes I Wish...

Titles refer to songs. Hole. Look and tell me.

It's been a weird night.

Given the assumption that only you will read this (I don't expect her to think to, I lyrical enough to her as it is), I may as well continue.

Alone, soaked, wine and socialist principles. Tonight I reside in a place unknown to you. There's a fact file of mental handicap at my windowsill. I look. Technology faded.

I live here, behind the eye of humanity, with minimalist rhythms from a distant place. The same. Over and over.

If you save yourself, will you think you're happy, or skipped to the end of the line? Sap?

Feedback rings through my silent head. No direction as far as I can see.

I know how I feel now. I truly do. Like candles muting in the wind (if you notice, I write my mind), I drink of this wine, noble rot infesting the grapes, dying on the vine?

I have said this before?

You tell me. Read me. Kill me. Copy me. I'm desperate for her both. I know I've said Pyramus before, an unknown word, my mind thinks in metaphors of angels and angles. It's less dangerous on the same line, no longer, my libido would never be useless buckets of salt.

But if none of this is th real life? Is this just fantasy? I'd be landsliding down in a hole where I belong.

Some intimate knowledge of burning hope. I say burning a lot and screaming. Silent screams. I live a life in waking dreams. I don't recognise this place I lay, insects crawling from my skin.

Will anybody? Will they ever understand my words? Do they know what I mean?

Do you?

How about you?

Unintentional space, slivering stream of consciousness

I feel that these rant should be precursory to take me home. Some lyrics? This black hole sun. This black hole one.

One...

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RAIN.

Well you know this life is killing me,
They took my soul away.
All that's left is just an empty space,
There's no such thing as come what may.

Well here I go now,
Can't I just hide away?

Hard rain washes the world away,
Bleeding memories are all I see.
I'm drowning, dry, a weary battle cry,
And beauty is a knife to me.

Well here I go now,
Can't I just hide away?

Someone give me shelter, please.
Shelter from this rain.

People drift by and never notice me,
They took my dreams away.
I'll fade away into the clouds tonight,
They'll build a new one out of clay.

Can't I just hide away?

Someone give me shelter, please.
Shelter from the rain.

Stop the rain.

Stop the rain.

All it ever does is rain,
All it ever does is rain.

My feet are off the ground,
My soul is missing,
Was it ever really there at all?

(c) 2009 Rob Eff.

Some old words, long since conception. One man and his old blind dog in the rain. hiding from the world in the world.